I'm a notorious insomniac. I'm not a big fan of going to work and the first comments being "Wow, you look like shit!" or "Did you get ANY sleep last night?" I'm glad you had a great weekend too! I'm sorry that I powered through the booze or the double NyQuil shooter (always classy). I don't get to turn this thing off. Ambien is not an option, and doesn't put me to sleep more than it induces a coma. I've tried a lot of things: yoga, drugs, therapy. Nothing works.
That's not to say I'm not a productive member of society. I'm good at my job. No one has ever accused me of being asleep at the wheel. I use the time I'm awake to pursue my interests. I wouldn't have gotten my first Master's if I hadn't been an insomniac. My body feels the effects and I struggle with sleeping, but I don't struggle with life because of my insomnia.
Last night, after the company "holiday" party, I helped a coworker who had a little bit too much to drink. After she started to sober up a little, she actually had a lot of things insightful things to say. Not that it wasn't a challenge to get to that point, but much like a lot of my theories of people, you sometimes have to sift through a lot of dirt and emotions in order to find the nugget of truth. There are probably a lot of things she said that made sense to me at least on some level. Keep in mind we weren't trying to solve a quantum physics issue. As the night got later, the after party petered out. We continued to talk until both of us reached our common ground. Our insomnia.
I enjoyed talking to her. She's single, pretty, and awkward most of the time. She isn't going to cure cancer, but neither am I. To be clear, nothing happened between us (other than a hug). Unless it was super undercover, nothing can happen between us. Even then, it wouldn't necessarily be a good thing. I mean, it would be good, but the first and second order effects might outweigh that temporary enjoyment.
To classify my relationship, I'd say "long distance". I have essentially been single for the better part of 4 years now. My partner has no interest in being in my area for the majority of the year. She is comfortable where she is, and she is more than happy to let me work and reap the benefits of joint checking. We both have a vested interest in our children. But that is where our similarities have started to end. She is very set in her ways, as I am in mine. My life revolves around my work, hers revolves around her interests. I'm not even sure what brought us together over 10 years ago. I keep trying to put my fingers on it, but I can't find it. She has her issues with illness and fear (of literally everything), and part of me staying is a commitment to the vow "in sickness and in health". My parents are divorced but their divorce was because they ended up hating each other. I don't hate my partner. I'm just think we've diverged so much that we like the titles more than we like each other. We've always been polar opposites.
We hit a big bump 3+ years ago when I first had to start living on my own. This was not my first choice, I always secretly hoped that I could give my children the nuclear family that I didn't get to have. But she balked, broke down, cried, and refused to leave what she considers her home. Being constrained financially, I had a female friend who was going to help me out with a place in her apartment. She had a large 2 bedroom and due to other real estate holdings, she was more than able to cut me a deal. When I told my partner about this, she lost her mind. Accused me of cheating, wanting to leave her, wanting to harm the kids, being just cold, mean, and vindictive. The sad thing is, I never considered cheating on her until she threw out the accusation.
We went to counseling while I was in the area before the next job started. It was awful. My partner went in with the idea she was right and the counselor was going to validate her. She lost her mind and cried like a spoiled little brat when the counselor said she was the one off base. For the next 7 or so sessions, I had to listen to her try to paint herself in a good light and I was the bad guy. It went in one ear and out the other for me. Counseling was an attempt at validation for her, and all it did was create contempt from me. I just nodded my head until we agreed to stop. The reality is, I just gave up.
So, to tie this diatribe back to where we went off the rails. Here I am, essentially single, still somewhat young, well educated, still have all of my hair, in shape, and relatively successful. I'm actually a really nice commodity. I should be at/near the top of my game. But I'm not in the game, because I'm ineligible to play. And here is this really stunning woman, on a couch with me, at 3 in the morning. She is a fellow insomniac. We talk about everything and anything. Easily. We are both social anxiety sufferers. Something should be happening here.
But it doesn't. And that isn't the frustrating thing. What is the frustrating thing is that it can't. It is the equivalent of multiplying by zero.
As I'm driving to a diner that opens at 5:30 on a Sunday morning, I hear that lyric from the Refreshments' "Banditos" on the radio. I loved that song, but for a different reason than I did when I first heard of it. Why did that happen with my partner? I probably should have invited her along. I don't know, that probably wasn't a good idea. At the very least, it would have been some great eye candy, especially at this diner at this time.
But as my insomnia started to wane (even after the coffee) and exhaustion started to kick in, I reflected upon the night and just became more confused than ever. Stumble in the door, fall on the bed.
7 in the morning, finally asleep. 10:00 A.M. back at it again.
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