It was icy and slushy as I drove to work to day. And all I could think about was her.
She was my first college girlfriend. We dated for a year. She wasn't the best looking girl at the party, but she was fun. She was awkward, but she had an idea of who she was. She was always frustrated that I was smarter than her, but she always encouraged me. She was at home going to a basketball game or going out to dinner. After we broke up, we lost touch even though we only lived about 500 yards from each other. She wanted to sow her oats before she settled down, and I was possessive. Eventually, she dropped out of school and moved west. That was the last I heard from her until 2011.
On a whim, I decided to look her up. The internet facilitates things like that. I couldn't believe what I was reading. An obituary? No picture, but it matched her. Apparently she had moved to Colorado. She had a son with a guy, but they weren't married. On her way to work one icy day, she went off the road. Her car plunged into a lake, and she drowned in subzero temperatures. She was 26 years old.
That isn't how I remember her. I remember her when she came to visit me in the summer after our freshman year. She lived about an hour away, and I was without a car, so it was incumbent on her to come and visit me. I was living with my dad and I took the day off from work (the beauty of hourly jobs). She showed up in a short floral dress, with spaghetti straps and her reddish hair. We just had a little picnic with some music. I don't even remember what the music was, I just remember her sing song voice, her subtle laugh, and the way her eyes lit up when she smiled. It has been just about 20 years, and of all my memories of her, that is the one that endures.
Monday, December 12, 2016
Sunday, December 11, 2016
"How far down do you want to go? We can talk it out over a cup of joe..."
I'm a notorious insomniac. I'm not a big fan of going to work and the first comments being "Wow, you look like shit!" or "Did you get ANY sleep last night?" I'm glad you had a great weekend too! I'm sorry that I powered through the booze or the double NyQuil shooter (always classy). I don't get to turn this thing off. Ambien is not an option, and doesn't put me to sleep more than it induces a coma. I've tried a lot of things: yoga, drugs, therapy. Nothing works.
That's not to say I'm not a productive member of society. I'm good at my job. No one has ever accused me of being asleep at the wheel. I use the time I'm awake to pursue my interests. I wouldn't have gotten my first Master's if I hadn't been an insomniac. My body feels the effects and I struggle with sleeping, but I don't struggle with life because of my insomnia.
Last night, after the company "holiday" party, I helped a coworker who had a little bit too much to drink. After she started to sober up a little, she actually had a lot of things insightful things to say. Not that it wasn't a challenge to get to that point, but much like a lot of my theories of people, you sometimes have to sift through a lot of dirt and emotions in order to find the nugget of truth. There are probably a lot of things she said that made sense to me at least on some level. Keep in mind we weren't trying to solve a quantum physics issue. As the night got later, the after party petered out. We continued to talk until both of us reached our common ground. Our insomnia.
I enjoyed talking to her. She's single, pretty, and awkward most of the time. She isn't going to cure cancer, but neither am I. To be clear, nothing happened between us (other than a hug). Unless it was super undercover, nothing can happen between us. Even then, it wouldn't necessarily be a good thing. I mean, it would be good, but the first and second order effects might outweigh that temporary enjoyment.
To classify my relationship, I'd say "long distance". I have essentially been single for the better part of 4 years now. My partner has no interest in being in my area for the majority of the year. She is comfortable where she is, and she is more than happy to let me work and reap the benefits of joint checking. We both have a vested interest in our children. But that is where our similarities have started to end. She is very set in her ways, as I am in mine. My life revolves around my work, hers revolves around her interests. I'm not even sure what brought us together over 10 years ago. I keep trying to put my fingers on it, but I can't find it. She has her issues with illness and fear (of literally everything), and part of me staying is a commitment to the vow "in sickness and in health". My parents are divorced but their divorce was because they ended up hating each other. I don't hate my partner. I'm just think we've diverged so much that we like the titles more than we like each other. We've always been polar opposites.
We hit a big bump 3+ years ago when I first had to start living on my own. This was not my first choice, I always secretly hoped that I could give my children the nuclear family that I didn't get to have. But she balked, broke down, cried, and refused to leave what she considers her home. Being constrained financially, I had a female friend who was going to help me out with a place in her apartment. She had a large 2 bedroom and due to other real estate holdings, she was more than able to cut me a deal. When I told my partner about this, she lost her mind. Accused me of cheating, wanting to leave her, wanting to harm the kids, being just cold, mean, and vindictive. The sad thing is, I never considered cheating on her until she threw out the accusation.
We went to counseling while I was in the area before the next job started. It was awful. My partner went in with the idea she was right and the counselor was going to validate her. She lost her mind and cried like a spoiled little brat when the counselor said she was the one off base. For the next 7 or so sessions, I had to listen to her try to paint herself in a good light and I was the bad guy. It went in one ear and out the other for me. Counseling was an attempt at validation for her, and all it did was create contempt from me. I just nodded my head until we agreed to stop. The reality is, I just gave up.
So, to tie this diatribe back to where we went off the rails. Here I am, essentially single, still somewhat young, well educated, still have all of my hair, in shape, and relatively successful. I'm actually a really nice commodity. I should be at/near the top of my game. But I'm not in the game, because I'm ineligible to play. And here is this really stunning woman, on a couch with me, at 3 in the morning. She is a fellow insomniac. We talk about everything and anything. Easily. We are both social anxiety sufferers. Something should be happening here.
But it doesn't. And that isn't the frustrating thing. What is the frustrating thing is that it can't. It is the equivalent of multiplying by zero.
As I'm driving to a diner that opens at 5:30 on a Sunday morning, I hear that lyric from the Refreshments' "Banditos" on the radio. I loved that song, but for a different reason than I did when I first heard of it. Why did that happen with my partner? I probably should have invited her along. I don't know, that probably wasn't a good idea. At the very least, it would have been some great eye candy, especially at this diner at this time.
But as my insomnia started to wane (even after the coffee) and exhaustion started to kick in, I reflected upon the night and just became more confused than ever. Stumble in the door, fall on the bed.
7 in the morning, finally asleep. 10:00 A.M. back at it again.
That's not to say I'm not a productive member of society. I'm good at my job. No one has ever accused me of being asleep at the wheel. I use the time I'm awake to pursue my interests. I wouldn't have gotten my first Master's if I hadn't been an insomniac. My body feels the effects and I struggle with sleeping, but I don't struggle with life because of my insomnia.
Last night, after the company "holiday" party, I helped a coworker who had a little bit too much to drink. After she started to sober up a little, she actually had a lot of things insightful things to say. Not that it wasn't a challenge to get to that point, but much like a lot of my theories of people, you sometimes have to sift through a lot of dirt and emotions in order to find the nugget of truth. There are probably a lot of things she said that made sense to me at least on some level. Keep in mind we weren't trying to solve a quantum physics issue. As the night got later, the after party petered out. We continued to talk until both of us reached our common ground. Our insomnia.
I enjoyed talking to her. She's single, pretty, and awkward most of the time. She isn't going to cure cancer, but neither am I. To be clear, nothing happened between us (other than a hug). Unless it was super undercover, nothing can happen between us. Even then, it wouldn't necessarily be a good thing. I mean, it would be good, but the first and second order effects might outweigh that temporary enjoyment.
To classify my relationship, I'd say "long distance". I have essentially been single for the better part of 4 years now. My partner has no interest in being in my area for the majority of the year. She is comfortable where she is, and she is more than happy to let me work and reap the benefits of joint checking. We both have a vested interest in our children. But that is where our similarities have started to end. She is very set in her ways, as I am in mine. My life revolves around my work, hers revolves around her interests. I'm not even sure what brought us together over 10 years ago. I keep trying to put my fingers on it, but I can't find it. She has her issues with illness and fear (of literally everything), and part of me staying is a commitment to the vow "in sickness and in health". My parents are divorced but their divorce was because they ended up hating each other. I don't hate my partner. I'm just think we've diverged so much that we like the titles more than we like each other. We've always been polar opposites.
We hit a big bump 3+ years ago when I first had to start living on my own. This was not my first choice, I always secretly hoped that I could give my children the nuclear family that I didn't get to have. But she balked, broke down, cried, and refused to leave what she considers her home. Being constrained financially, I had a female friend who was going to help me out with a place in her apartment. She had a large 2 bedroom and due to other real estate holdings, she was more than able to cut me a deal. When I told my partner about this, she lost her mind. Accused me of cheating, wanting to leave her, wanting to harm the kids, being just cold, mean, and vindictive. The sad thing is, I never considered cheating on her until she threw out the accusation.
We went to counseling while I was in the area before the next job started. It was awful. My partner went in with the idea she was right and the counselor was going to validate her. She lost her mind and cried like a spoiled little brat when the counselor said she was the one off base. For the next 7 or so sessions, I had to listen to her try to paint herself in a good light and I was the bad guy. It went in one ear and out the other for me. Counseling was an attempt at validation for her, and all it did was create contempt from me. I just nodded my head until we agreed to stop. The reality is, I just gave up.
So, to tie this diatribe back to where we went off the rails. Here I am, essentially single, still somewhat young, well educated, still have all of my hair, in shape, and relatively successful. I'm actually a really nice commodity. I should be at/near the top of my game. But I'm not in the game, because I'm ineligible to play. And here is this really stunning woman, on a couch with me, at 3 in the morning. She is a fellow insomniac. We talk about everything and anything. Easily. We are both social anxiety sufferers. Something should be happening here.
But it doesn't. And that isn't the frustrating thing. What is the frustrating thing is that it can't. It is the equivalent of multiplying by zero.
As I'm driving to a diner that opens at 5:30 on a Sunday morning, I hear that lyric from the Refreshments' "Banditos" on the radio. I loved that song, but for a different reason than I did when I first heard of it. Why did that happen with my partner? I probably should have invited her along. I don't know, that probably wasn't a good idea. At the very least, it would have been some great eye candy, especially at this diner at this time.
But as my insomnia started to wane (even after the coffee) and exhaustion started to kick in, I reflected upon the night and just became more confused than ever. Stumble in the door, fall on the bed.
7 in the morning, finally asleep. 10:00 A.M. back at it again.
"If you don't expect too much from me, you might not be let down..."
I was talking with someone last night, and although she was fairly intoxicated, she made a really valid point that stuck with me. It was too the effect of sometimes we need to chronicle our thoughts and experiences as an outlet, especially for those of us who have difficulty in social situations. I know that the two of sort of struggle in those situations. I can't speak for her directly, but I'm horrid.
The intention for this is as a creative outlet for me. If someone else reads this and it elicits some emotion, that is just a second order effect. Because of the nature of my work, I'll probably take some creative license with the details. Whether it be a pseudonym or some other means to be indirect, I'm not trying to make this an expose. I doubt there will be anything criminal published here, but there may be things that come out and due to the nature of my work, I'd like to stay as anonymous as possible.
I don't want to set the expectations too high.
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